I'm back in a house,
Where my demons nearly destroyed me.
I find myself staring in utter sadness
At the photos I took towards
What felt like the end.
This is hard.
This is painful.
I'm devastated by my eyes,
The pallor of my skin,
In those photographs.
When I was in the hospital
Just last week,
I forgot.
I was focused on the heaviness
Of a body I now inhabit.
I wanted so badly to shed layers of fat
And with it,
Layers of shame.
But now I lie,
Alone in a bed,
I slept in months ago.
The memories are painful.
I am so lucky to be alive.
I feel terrified.
I truly do.
I'm in a new body
But my mind can still revisit
The thoughts,
The darkness,
of those frightening
And torturous days.
I am reading my first entries
As if i was not the one
Who typed these words
Into the small keyboard
Of her phone,
Several long months ago.
Tears fill my eyes.
Sadness pierces my soul.
I'm afraid.
I can never go back there,
If I truly choose life,
I can never go back there.
I have two options today.
Life...
Or the path I took before,
The one that carried me
On a slow descent to death.
I'm in shock
It seems.
I forgot this place.
And now I'm home.
I'm lying in a room
Haunted by the memory,
The horrific pain,
Of those last days.
I look in the mirror
And then look at the photos
And I am so afraid.
I can't go back there.
I have two very different paths to choose.
One is life.
The other death.
I forgot for a moment,
During those boring,
Long and dragging
days in the hospital,
How incredibly
Lucky
I was to be saved.
Dear God,
Give me strength.
Show me the determination
I need right now,
Please slay the ghost
Of anorexia
So I can move forward
Toward a future
That is bright
And full of promise.
Help me to have compassion
For that sick girl
I was,
And for the recovering
One that I am today.
