Heartache

_{http://www.cbc.ca/beingjann/images/heartache.jpg}

The days are long. 

I am now trying to maintain this weight. 

No longer meant to be gaining. 

Instead I must learn 

That this number on the scale...

These jeans that will not fit,

If I dared tried them on,

Is okay. 

It's healthy, 

they say. 

As if the words do anything more

than make me cringe. 

Healthy has never been the goal. 

Thinness. 

Whisper thin so that no one 

Could ever say that

I take up too much space. 

The heaviness feels unbearable. 

It truly feels like my heart is sinking 

With the weight of my body. 

Once again,

I find myself wishing,

Longing,

To see my bones protrude. 

I glamorize the past 

As if I was happy

At that place. 

These days are hard. 

They are long. 

They hurt my heart,

And my soul cries out 

To be heard. 

I need a hug,

A strong embrace. 

A hand held tightly,

In your own. 

Please wrap your arms

Around me

Without boundaries

That must be maintained. 

These sterile white walls,

These fluorescent lights,

The nurses that guard the trays 

Before meals,

They all serve to make me feel alone. 

Separate. 

A patient. 

A number. 

A last name on a chart. 

I've been struggling 

More than I thought I would. 

Being housed in this body 

Still feels so foreign and strange. 

Once again,

I find solace in knowing 

That prayers have been sent up for me,

Prayers to help set me free.

Free of this disease. 

My body is healing,

It is nourished and full.

My mind has yet to catch up,

Please send up more prayers.

This journey is long,

And my heart is aching 

To be healed. 

The Pretty Ones.

feelgrafix.com

The pretty ones,

With gorgeous souls,

All these girls,

So beautiful. 

Anorexia has a type. 

She haunts the girls

With intelligence,

With compassionate hearts,

And sensitive souls. 

Anorexia lies in wait,

Then slowly she makes herself known.  

She whispers the words

That are poison to their entire being,

So that they feel like empty shells

Walking through life,

Controlled and handcuffed

To this ugly shadow

That follows their every waking moment. 

The pretty ones 

Have pain in their eyes,

If you look too close

You will see deep sadness there.

They carry these chains

Wherever they go,

Slowly they become 

Accustomed to the heaviness,

That follows behind with 

Each step they take.  

The pretty ones,

They are held captive,

Slaves to this disease. 

They believe the lies,

And so it feels natural 

To follow anorexia's commands. 

Peace is impossible. 

For every moment,

Every breath,

Feels like shame. 

Guilt plagues their every move,

They are resigned to their post in life,

Prisoner to a disease 

So few will understand. 

And so the loneliness sets in. 

She hides away,

She ignores the ringing of her phone. 

Hiding, 

Chest pounding,

When there is a knock at her door. 

She holds so much shame,

That it feels easier to hide away.  

Somedays she might briefly see 

A pretty girl in the mirror,

But anorexia will not allow 

This moment to last. 

Glimpses of the truth,

Last for but a second,

Until she remembers the chains

Tied to her ankles,

Each step heavy and loud,

Her legs feel like tree stumps,

So much heaviness upon her limbs.

She sees them watching her. 

They must think she is disgusting too. 

Why must they stare,

Do they hear the sounds from 

The bathroom stall?

Do they see her splash her face 

To rid her eyes of the tears that appear

From forcing food up her throat?

If I had one wish,

I would take their pain away. 

I would carry the burden 

Of anorexia for all these girls. 

To set them free,

Would make my suffering 

Feel worthwhile. 

I pray for them to see their beauty,

I long for them to know their worth. 

Dear God,

If I can lighten their burden in any way,

Please show me how. 

My suffering can not be in vain. 

So even while the chains 

Are tied to my own limbs,

I will gladly carry more,

If even one burden

Will leave just one soul. 

The chains feel lighter now. 

I am not the girl I was

Two months ago. 

I feel braver,

More free. 

The chains remain,

But they are lighter somehow. 

Perhaps all my wishes 

On dandelions have been heard. 

Perhaps God is lifting my burden

So that I can someday 

Have the capacity to help

The pretty ones to see

Just how beautiful they are

From my eyes. 

For you.

I love you

Yet I unconsciously used you. 

My heart aches with regret. 

Instead of being grateful 

For hours of freedom,

I used the time to be without food. 

Why do we hurt the ones we love the most. 

Why does anorexia seek to destroy me

And my relationships. 

For with anorexia in my soul,

I can not truly love or be loved. 

I become a slave to her

And I hurt you

By hurting myself. 

I finally had freedom

To be with you

Without restrictions

Or nurses watching over. 

I messed up. 

I did not eat. 

I gave in 

To the selfish voice inside my head. 

I can't lose you

As I've lost so much 

Because of her. 

Please forgive my actions

And know that I was operating

Under the control  

Of something that I must defy now. 

You deserve a fully present partner. 

I told you I would get better for you. 

And I failed this weekend. 

My heart aches. 

My spirit cringes. 

Recovery will be the hardest thing I've ever done. 

But losing you would be the hardest thing I ever lost. 

I know what true love means now. 

It's loving me when I am blind 

And can not see what is in front of my face. 

It is trusting in you

When my mind won't stop its chatter. 

True love is letting go

Of what is holding me back

Even when the shackles drag behind 

My feet. 

Someday they will fall off 

But only if I let go

And be strong for you.