Heartache

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The days are long. 

I am now trying to maintain this weight. 

No longer meant to be gaining. 

Instead I must learn 

That this number on the scale...

These jeans that will not fit,

If I dared tried them on,

Is okay. 

It's healthy, 

they say. 

As if the words do anything more

than make me cringe. 

Healthy has never been the goal. 

Thinness. 

Whisper thin so that no one 

Could ever say that

I take up too much space. 

The heaviness feels unbearable. 

It truly feels like my heart is sinking 

With the weight of my body. 

Once again,

I find myself wishing,

Longing,

To see my bones protrude. 

I glamorize the past 

As if I was happy

At that place. 

These days are hard. 

They are long. 

They hurt my heart,

And my soul cries out 

To be heard. 

I need a hug,

A strong embrace. 

A hand held tightly,

In your own. 

Please wrap your arms

Around me

Without boundaries

That must be maintained. 

These sterile white walls,

These fluorescent lights,

The nurses that guard the trays 

Before meals,

They all serve to make me feel alone. 

Separate. 

A patient. 

A number. 

A last name on a chart. 

I've been struggling 

More than I thought I would. 

Being housed in this body 

Still feels so foreign and strange. 

Once again,

I find solace in knowing 

That prayers have been sent up for me,

Prayers to help set me free.

Free of this disease. 

My body is healing,

It is nourished and full.

My mind has yet to catch up,

Please send up more prayers.

This journey is long,

And my heart is aching 

To be healed. 

Imagine.

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I observe myself,

From above and not from within. 

I'm gazing at the girl inhabiting my body. 

She wrings her fingers, 

She taps her feet,

And grinds her teeth. 

I can see the anxiety 

Overtaking her body. 

I tell her that it's going to be okay. 

She has gained weight,

But she is still thin.

She is still the same person,

Only with a healthier body,

One that is not in danger of falling apart. 

Anorexia has been inhabiting 

my mind for too long.

I can not trust her perception,

For what I see through anorexia's lens, 

is false. 

Logically my weight is still low. 

But to anorexia, 

Logic means nothing. 

Anorexia thrives on misperceptions and lies. 

She warps all mirrors,

And tricks her victims into believing 

That they are worthless if they aren't 

On a fast decline towards death.

I watch myself from above.

I see my foot tapping more slowly,

My breathing eases into regularity,

As I begin to see the truth. 

Listening to anorexia these past few days

Has only brought me pain. 

I have forgotten that 

I am so much more

than a number on the scale 

or the size of my clothing. 

I was so caught up in grieving her,

That I forgot to live. 

Anorexia thrives in darkness.

She hates the white glow of hope. 

She fears all things that diminish her ability to survive. 

Anorexia is greedy,

She likes to have me all to herself. 

She wants me to wander alone,

Irritated by the chatter of people around me.

She loves it when I avoid eye contact,

She thrives on a mind that plots sneaky ways to self destruct. 

Anorexia loves it when I'm held so captive,

That I begin to obey commands. 

Restrict.

Take diet pills. 

Take laxatives.

Go up and down those ugly hospital stairs twenty times. 

Today, I can distinguish anorexia from reality. 

Today I am defiantly arguing anorexia's insults. 

Today I took the elevator,

And ignored the desire to retreat within myself. 

I did not crawl into my cocoon,

Instead I stepped outside.

I allowed myself to breathe the air,

To nourish my body,

To believe that I am worthy to dance in the rain.

I am so much more than a disease.

I am so much braver than anorexia ever could be. 

Imagine how much better life could be if I left anorexia behind, 

What could happen if I ignored her ugly cries of desperation,

And decided to live.

Imagine how it would be to be free. 

Imagine.