Of those creamy
Hershey kisses.
She said it wouldn’t matter,
That she was going to a place
Of too much everything,
And not enough joy.
So here she sits
In a hospital dining room
Picking slowly at her food.
The constant chatter
Of manic patients
Surrounds her.
Adding to the constant torture
In her own mind.
She chose all of this.
She could have just listened,
Make a meal plan
Just eat.
Don’t be so stubborn.
And above all, don’t throw up.
But she faltered.
She thrilled as numbers fell on scales
Of clothing falling off hips.
She didn’t mind this part of disorder,
She liked to be fragile.
And then somehow,
Her appetite grew
To obnoxious proportions.
She constantly held
Thoughts of food in her mind,
And stuffed candies
In her mouth.
There was this constant hunger.
Don’t think,
Just eat and purge.
She almost didn’t notice
The width of her thighs expanding.
She is now suffocated,
Trapped beneath layers
of fat and flesh.
Gasping for air.
She knows they are talking,
Asking how she gained so much.
Now she feels so unworthy,
Like she’s taking space
From someone more skeletal.
Bones equals discipline.
Bones get people to the top
Of waiting lists.
Emaciation has always been the goal.
So why did she choose to eat.
She could no longer comfort herself
By running fingertips
along protruding collarbones.
Her hip bones disappeared
Under the weight of overindulgence.
She is a failure to her goal.
I have let her down.
I now carry a heavy burden
For I never meant to do this to her.
I know I don’t look like
Anyone deserving of help.
I have let her down.
I is she.
And she is sad.
