God wanted me to see today.
35 feels strange.
This day forces me to reflect
Upon the life
I have been granted.
This life I live,
With each day a battle,
To nourish,
To eat,
To feel.
I remember the dream
As I so often do,
I remember
It's heaviness,
So clearly.
I fell and could not wake up
I passed from this earth
In that moment,
And it felt so real,
Yet so strange,
My heart beat loudly,
Erratically,
In my chest.
I wasn't ready.
As much as a part of me
Wished to disappear.
God wants me here today.
I don't know all of his plans
For my life now.
I just know that
I have been given
A second chance..
To live.
The future brings anxiety,
But also a tentative,
Breath of hope,
A small shiver,
of excitement.
I am still struggling.
I still long to crawl out of my skin
After meals.
I still find pleasure in numbers
Decreasing on scales.
I still hate the thick liquid of ensure.
I sometimes miss the
Security of a hospital bed.
Where I have little opportunity
To obey the lies
Of anorexia.
It is scary somehow,
To write from the heart,
While I am outside of
Sanitary hospital walls.
I feel exposed,
Afraid to admit my flaws,
And the truth
Of how many times
I fall each day.
But I will not give up.
Each day is a gift.
And moment by moment,
I remain present
On this earth.
Kept here to learn,
To breathe this air,
To interact
With others,
To join hearts,
And to hold hands.
God please guide me.
I stumble.
And I fall.
But carry me forward.
Lift my eyes
To what I am meant to see.
Open my heart
To what I am meant to feel.
I am here for a reason.
I trust you
For keeping me here.
You give me the courage
To type these words
In a warm bed
I do not want to leave.
I am alive today.
I have fat beneath this skin,
Nutrients
Keeping my heart beating,
And my mind alert
And aware.
I am here today
And I will not give up
Or give in.
I have things left to do
People left to see,
And moments left to live.
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