I Grieve

I starved.  I purged.

I watched as my flesh slowly disappeared.

I could feel each bone become sharper,

Each hollow grow deeper. 

Like an outside observer,

I examined every curve, every angle, of every bone.

I poked curiously and ran my finger along the veins that popped through my skin.

I starved to slowly fade away.

I was a girl watching her body disappear.

I sobbed and I shivered.

And clung to my boyfriend's chest.

Already I was grieving the loss of those I love.

I had a dream that I fell and slowly passed into death.

I considered writing letters to let my loved ones know,

Just how much they meant to me.

There was a whisper in my soul,

That I had finally, somehow, starved enough.

To starve so much that you achieve the end.

You have successfully perfected anorexia.

You die.  

You are now just a corpse,

Free from a prison that had become your cocoon.

Death did not scare me.

I was tired.  

A prisoner for 21 long years.

I battled and I fought,

And then I just gave in.

Perhaps my fate was to love 

And then to say goodbye. 

I wonder why I let them save me.

Perhaps I was too weak to fight.

Perhaps I truly was afraid to die.

Now I am full of fluid and nutrients.

The heaviness feels surreal.

I am left to grieve again..

I grieve the thing that kept me safe,

Far from hurt and numb to pain.

Today I grieve Anorexia.

I let the tears fall.

They fall and they fall.

It is a loss.

A loss many can not understand.

But that does not make this sadness any less.

I pray to a God much greater than this disease.

That I may one day be free

And anorexia will lie silent in its grave.

And I will grieve anorexia no more.