Silence

Something has shifted. 

Flowers smell sweeter,

Blankets feel cozier,

I can get through a phone call without breaking into tears. 

There are these small bursts of happiness,

And it feels so foreign and bizarre. 

I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. 

Big brown eyes look back at me curiously. 

Today I observe a thin girl, 

She actualy appears too thin. 

She looks like she is recovering

From some kind of illness. 

And there is a small sparkle in her eyes,

That had left some months ago. 

Anorexia, where are you now? 

I'm staring in the mirror,

And I can't hear your voice.

I make wishes on dandelions and watch as the soft white feathers dance in the wind. 

I have been floating on a cloud all day. 

It's new and strange...

And freeing.  

And so I make more wishes,

Look up at the sky and I whisper gratitude,

And warmth fills my heart. 

I can almost hear the prayers,

Like whispered words carried by the wind,

From others who believe in me,

When I don't believe in myself. 

Perhaps it's the new yellow pill,

That is lifting the shadow of this disease,

Smoothing the sharp distorted edges of my thoughts. 

I would never have predicted 

That this little yellow wafer,

That I once gave to so many patients,

Is now dissolving on my own tongue. 

I don't even care. 

I hold no judgment here. 

I am simply grateful,

So grateful, 

To feel just that much more alive. 

The silence of anorexia 

Is freedom from pain. 

To see my reflection,

and not recoil in disgust, 

Or to feel the absence of my once constant companion,

Feels surreal. 

I'm scared to trust my reflection. 

I don't want this to be stripped away.

Please don't let me become the hollow shell

I was when I arrived here. 

That very sick girl seems like a dream,

and yet so very real at the same time. 

I can't look at the photos I took of my emaciated body and empty eyes. 

I wanted proof at the time,

That I was that far down the rabbit hole. 

I can not deny that I have been sick,

Very sick,

The majority of my life. 

I'm letting the world into this shameful disease.

It feels good,

But it is also terrifying.  

What if I fall again? 

What if I starve again? 

I pause from my thoughts. 

I hear nothing. 

I look again into the plastic hospital mirror,

Still nothing. 

For just this moment of silence,

I am grateful. 

Anorexia, where are you now? 

I'm staring in the mirror,

And I can't hear your voice.