Our suffering will not be in vain.

It was grade 9,  my friends and I attended a summer church camp for a week. One of our cabin roomies was this hilarious girl, Mandy.  She made me laugh soooo hard, no matter how uncomfortable I felt in this bizarrely charismatic church camp. She would imitate the Swedish chef from the muppets...moooooshty vooooshty vershty vershty (whatever the hell he says).  She also did such an impressive rendition of KORN that we were all singing/screaming it by the end of the week. 

Despite her outwardly carefree personality, my fourteen year old self noticed that Mandy would always put herself down, particularly her weight.  Our other roommate was suffering from bulimia at the time, and I think it was difficult for all of us to see.  

I had not yet learned how to purge, so it was a new kind of eating disorder for me to observe. It made me sad. Little did I know that one day in the near future, that would be me crouching over the toilet bowl, trying desperately to erase any food that touched my lips. 

It strikes me that at such a young age, a cabin full of girls were haunted by the shadow of feeling not good enough, not skinny enough, hoping that a perfect body would somehow erase their deep insecurities and fears. 

I was pretty amazed when just last week, Mandy went through her memory box and discovered a letter that I had written to her at this bible camp so long ago. 

"I know you feel fat.  But weight is not worth as much as living."  

After reading the words of a much younger me, I was struck by this apparent insight I had. I didn't want Mandy to suffer like I had, but I don't think I truly believed the words for myself. 

I wish I could have warned fourteen year old me that anorexia would later haunt me again and again, long after grade 9 summer camp. 

"Yet, often I can feel the fat on my body choking me..."

This is how I feel, in this very moment, like fat is literally suffocating me, overtaking my body, and it's hard to discern anorexia's voice from my own at times like these.

The sad thing about this letter, is that as young girls we had such disgust for our bodies. Why and how did we learn that being thinner would make us somehow more worthy of love, attention, happiness? What happened to us to that we felt compelled to manipulate our bodies to compensate for the belief that we are not good enough, loveable enough, just as we are?

I asked a few girls on the unit to share when their eating disorders had developed and what their present self would want to tell their past self. I passed around a notebook and they were kind enough to share their experiences. 

Michaela: I began having body image and disordered eating thoughts and behaviours from age ten, but my disorder took a stronger form two years ago when I was 20. I would tell my past self that what she is feeling is real, that her fears and pains are valid, but living them is not some kind of predetermined lot for her life.  I WOULD BEG HER TO FIGHT FOR HER HAPPINESS,". 

Cecilia's eating disorder began at age 12.  If she could go back, she would tell this young girl, "there is a healthier way to deal with problems and to be happy and to find it".  

Rebecca was 15 when her eating disorder began, she wrote,  "Do everything in your power to piss those bitches off (they bullied me),". Rebecca is gorgeous, kind, funny, and it breaks my heart that she began abusing her body because of the pain she felt by being bullied by girls that likely have no idea the impact they made on her life.

Another would tell her 9 year old self that, "You matter and are important in this world. You have a positive presence and you BELONG.  NEVER GIVE UP,". I can so relate to this, I always felt that I didn't have a place in this world, that I was in the way, and that I was a burden.  Anorexia was a way to make myself smaller, take up less space, and be as perfect as possible to make up for the fact that I existed. 

Another woman developed her eating disorder at 15, if she could go back and tell her past self anything, it would be: "This isn't going to be a 3 year thing to survive until you can leave home. You're not going to be able to give it up. Tell someone what's happening and get some real help instead of going down this road,". 

The last entry in my notebook read, "My binge eating disorder started when I was 7 and the anorexia started when I was 14. What started as an attempt to eat healthier and begin adding physical activity into my life, manifested into the manipulative, abusing partner: dictating my every thought and behaviour, it has swallowed me whole. Appreciate what you have, for when the sun sets, you will be left blind and the sun rises tomorrow,". 

I wanted to get the perspective from other patients on the unit to help others understand how eating disorders arise from different situations and environments, and manifest in so many different ways. The common thread between these stories is a desire to feel better somehow. Controlling and abusing their bodies became their attempt to ease the pain they held inside. They were held captive by their eating disorders, too afraid to share their inner torment, and often left to endure a devastating  illness alone. 

Please, if you know of a young boy or girl struggling, let them know that they are valuable and have been made perfect in God's eyes. They are a gift to this world. 

Give them permission to tell you their deepest fears and thoughts. Anorexia and bulimia is an isolating monster and sufferers live in a bubble of shame, guilt, and secrecy. 

If one young person can be reached before they lose years of their life to this illness, the struggles I and all the women fighting for recovery have faced, will not be in vain. 

❤️