Hate the disease.

_{(Source: Daniabny7 via Pinterest)} 

Please don't try to save me. 

You are not my one-person treatment team.

I desperately crave your love and support,  

Not your anger and frustration. 

You say I've changed. 

I say, so have you. 

I used to see kindness in your eyes,

Now I only see the dark

Glare of anger there. 

There are moments when you look at me 

With the tenderness you once held,

But the moment is so fleeting,

It seems to hurt even more now. 

You know how sensitive I am,

Everytime you raise your voice,

Or slam a door,

When you curse under your breath,

I feel anxiety well up in my chest.

You can't bully me into getting better. 

If it was that easy,

You would have saved me by now.

Everytime you call me stubborn, 

Or selfish,

Everytime you roll your eyes,

Or talk behind my back,

Is like a knife to my heart.  

You believe I chose this. 

You tell me I'm weak and childlike. 

You begin to despise me for my tears. 

But don't you get it?

Don't you see that you can't possibly say anything More hurtful than I've already told myself?

Anorexia has destroyed my self worth,

You don't need to help her along. 

I already have a voice inside my head

Who thrives on putting me down.

My self worth has been shred to pieces 

Years ago by this disease. 

Sometimes I feel like you are anorexia's voice, 

Reflecting back to me in physical form. 

You are the voice of my father when I was young,

Angry and furious when I could not eat. 

You are the hatred of past boyfriends,

Hating me for wasting away before their eyes. 

You believe this is all my fault. 

I've become the scapegoat for your own pain. 

I'm here to tell you that this is not okay. 

I do not accept that this is what I deserve.

My mind is healing,

And with healing, 

Comes painful realizations. 

We can pretend that your anger is merely your Lack of understanding,

But we both know you prefer to remain in ignorant bliss. 

I doubt my judgment now more than ever. 

I ignored my intuition. 

I convinced myself that you were my knight

in shining, imperfect armour.

However, I know now,

I can only save myself. 

I sometimes wish I had a different disease.

If I had cancer, 

I doubt you would feel the way you do. 

You wouldn't grow to hate me,

You would simply hate the disease. 

So why do you see anorexia 

As an extension of me?

I never asked for this.

I never chose this prison,

For that is what this is to me. 

Your voice is loud and shouting now. 

I make myself smaller beneath the covers,

I hide from your rage, and this only serves 

to make you hate me more. 

You think I'm a scared little child. 

I would not disagree. 

In this moment I feel like the little girl 

With her ear to the floor,

Listening to the chaos from downstairs. 

I am twelve again. 

I am helpless and no one explains what is going on. 

The scales are falling from my eyes. 

I am starting to hate you as much as you hate me. 

No one is forcing you to stay by my side. 

Leave anytime you want.

I give you my permission,

To run the other way. 

And I give myself permission,

To be unapologetically me.