Confessions.

I read an old journal entry, 

From the second day I slept in a hospital bed. 

I can't deny that some twisted part of me, 

That anorexic, self deprecating part of me,

Longs to be back in that moment. 

Because this moment hurts. 

This moment pains me. 

I feel that the weight of the world

Is in the pit of my stomach.

I long to crawl out of my skin. 

I ask God why I have to feel this way. 

Why do I hate my body in its nourished state. 

I don't understand why recovery has to be this hard. 

I am pleading with God to lighten this burden. 

I feel so much guilt

For calling my mom in these moments of heartache. 

She can't rescue me from this heaviness I feel. 

So why do I call?

Why do I have this need to hear her voice,

When I know she can't make everything okay. 

I gave in to anorexia these past few days. 

I purged. 

I ate. 

I purged again. 

And yet it only caused me more pain. 

The heaviness feels more unbearable now. 

Anorexia lies.

Bulimia lies. 

The heaviness can not be lifted by giving into this disease. 

God, please forgive me for losing my way. 

With all the frustration I felt over locked bathroom doors and suspicious nurses,

I need this control again. 

I'm not able to tell my psychiatrist just yet. 

I'm not ready to purge my soul

Of this guilt just yet. 

I need to turn this around before I can confess. 

A girl from the program passed away. 

She was known by many girls here. 

It makes the dangers of this disease feel so real. 

Anorexia kills. 

Bulimia kills. 

We are playing Russian roulette with our bodies. 

Dear Father,

Please grace me with some release from this prison. 

The burden feels too cruel. 

No one should have to feel so much disgust for their physical being. 

I pray that I can lighten my burdens. 

If I keep writing,

If I confess my weakness,

I can move forward,

Rather than allowing my behaviours to have power over today and tomorrow. 

I may have fallen,

But I will crawl back up this valley. 

I will taste the softness of sunlight again.

I just need to believe. 

I just need to trust.