This disease.

_{Clayzmama.com}

It feels like I've been awakened from a dream.

I am in a body that I do not recognize, 

With a brain that feels so much the same.

I quickly circle my wrist with my fingers. 

I feel for my hip bones,

But they are covered in a layer of flesh.

I can hardly stand to be awake right now. 

I want to fall back asleep,

Back into my dreams,

Where I was still thin and my bones 

Jutted out reassuringly. 

Anorexia is ever present. 

I no longer receive grave looks of concern,

No one fears that I will slip away,

But my mind is still spinning

Around and around in dizzying circles. 

This is my fate it seems. 

To be victim of relentless disease,

That so few understand,

That not only destroys your body,

But also your mind. 

It distorts your thoughts 

So that you fear health 

And worship sharp edges. 

None of it makes sense,

But your disease doesn't care. 

They tell you it gets easier 

When your body is at a healthy weight,

Your brain supposedly becomes healthy too.

I'm still waiting,

Still not quite there,

But if it's true,

If this burden becomes lighter...

I can barely imagine

A life without this heaviness. 

My shorts are digging painfully

Into my skin. 

They fit. 

But anorexia says they're too tight,

She tells me it was better when they were hanging off my bones,

She taunts me with every glance in the mirror. 

This voice,

This disease,

Wants me dead. 

This program,

This food,

This weight gain,

Wants anorexia dead. 

I want her to leave my body 

And exit my mind. 

I need patience

And prayers

I need love and support

Because this place I'm in,

Feels like pergatory. 

Somewhere between sick and well. 

With a healing body,

And a mind that is rebelling. 

Dear God,

How much more suffering

Must I endure,

To get to the other side?

Will I ever smile again?

Right now all I feel is pain. 

Forgive me for my ingratitude. 

I am blessed to be here,

In treatment,

But I can not pretend

That I am happy or free. 

The fat overwhelms me. 

Dear Lord,

Give me strength

And even one moment,

One breath of peace,

To remind me that it is possible,

To be free

Inside my mind 

And within this body.