The irony of anorexia

The world carries on without us. 

We become self centered here,

Cocooned in a place where crying at the dinner table is business as usual.

So when you arrive for a visit,

Your bad mood is upsetting.

I wasn't prepared for this.

Today was supposed to be fun and perfect. 

When so much control is taken from us,

little things,

like fresh air, 

sour gumballs, 

and feeling normal for a few hours,

becomes hugely important in our minds.

We might forget to ask how you are holding up. 

I'm sorry if you think that I don't care. 

I'm sorry I've worried you.

I'm sorry that the stresses of life

are very real to you now,

and you are struggling too. 

Just in different ways. 

Please don't hide your pain from me.

Yes, 4F4 is my world now,

And I'm sorry that I vent to you. 

I want to hear about your pain too.

Human suffering happens on so many levels.

Tell me about your pain.

I want to be here for you,

as you've been for me.

The irony is that we don't

want to be a burden, 

We don't want to be selfish,

So we go deeper,

finding ways to be perfect by being thin.

Being thin was supposed to make you love me more. 

And yet anorexia lied,

You didn't love me more when I was at my thinnest. 

Instead I became more of a burden.

Please forgive me for the messed up nature of anorexia. 

In reality,

we feel very very deeply,

and this is why we often turn to our disorder

to numb the pain and hide from our fears.

So we do come off as selfish and self centered. 

But we don't mean to tell you that your life is less important than ours.

We just got things majorly mixed up,

by trying to fix everything,

with the avoidance of food

and the number on the scale. 

I hope one day I can be okay with myself enough,

not to need anorexia

to keep me safe from rejection,

Because with anorexia,

we are in no danger of rejection, 

for we have already rejected ourselves. 

        *****************************

I breathe in slowly. Food is life. I exhale, take another breath. Food is life. And that's the problem. When you're alive, people can hurt you. It's easier to crawl into a bone cage or a snowdrift of confusion. It's easier to lock everybody out.

But it's a lie.

Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls