Thank you.

Today. 

I am indescribably sad. 

It hurts. 

A visceral state of sadness. 

This is the grief of saying goodbye  

to anorexia,

It feels surreal,

That I'm spending my summer in the hospital. 

I allowed anorexia to take over,

dictating my thoughts

and my actions. 

To the point that I nearly gave her my soul. 

My heart feels broken. 

I have never learned to love myself.

I have spent years and years,

Loathing my body,

Trapped beneath a thick layer of shame.

I sought out love from men,

Men that loved me for a time,

Until I could no longer hide 

the shadow following close behind. 

I organized my life in compartments

of thinness. 

I used to long to go back to before,

To a time when I was thin enough. 

But I forget that there never is a thin enough. 

I proved that this year. 

I also proved that 

there is no happiness there. 

Anorexia can only 

glamourize your perception

for so long,

Until you see and feel

the sharp edges of bones,

and realize that you still feel unworthy. 

Today I admittedly

miss the scary days

towards what could have been my end,

I wanted to go back there. 

To be in that emaciated body again.

To feel the weakness in my bones. 

To imagine my muscles wasting away. 

To wonder how far I could push

My body to the edge. 

It's completely illogical

To long to go back there.

Nothing about anorexia is logical.

She distorts our perception

And warps our memories. 

So I continue to grieve her,

Despite the hardship she has caused,

Because at least it was a hardship

I was accustomed to. 

I miss the emptiness. 

I'm so tired of carrying secrets. 

The shame has nearly killed me. 

I feel so much sadness,

and right now the best I can do is cry

and later ask for an extra yellow pill. 

I feel the prayers 

Deep in my soul,

And know that I am loved

by so many amazing people,

That believe in me.

I will continue my grieving,

Knowing that eventually,

I will get to the other side,

And fly away free from this prison. 

I will never be able to express

the gratitude I feel,

for those who have loved me

and prayed for me,

when I couldn't do so for myself.