www.onegreenplanet.org
Baggy clothing,
The only thing keeping me sane right now.
It's hard.
I can hardly bring myself to write.
I'm scared of the words that form
When my mind is in this place.
I am pained by so much heaviness.
No one told me
That all this effort
Leads to so much discomfort.
I knew it would be hard,
But this is more than I wanted
To know or to feel.
I miss the emptiness.
I truly do.
I hate to confess my weakness,
But I am unable to pretend.
I am close to tears
At any given moment,
That I hear the voice
That follows me throughout each day.
I feel the tightness
Of bracelets on my wrist.
I feel the outline of denim
Hugging tightly to my hips.
Why do I care so much,
I wonder.
Is thinness worth this much to me?
Think of all the people
Rooting for me,
Praying that I win this fight.
I feel selfish.
I feel ashamed.
Honesty is hard for me today.
It's easier to sit in silence
Without putting words to a page.
But it's also more difficult
To pretend that
I don't exist,
That I don't feel,
Or have my name
On a hospital wristband
That digs into my skin.
I'm not giving up.
Or giving in.
But I do feel afraid.
Afraid
That I am weaker than this voice.
Yesterday we imagined that our mind
Is the depth of the ocean.
It is peaceful and quiet there.
The thoughts that enter the silence,
Are just sharp reminders
Of a life destroying disease.
The thoughts are not me.
The thoughts are a lie.
I'm trying to be the depths of the ocean
And not the ugly words
That enter.
It's calm and beautiful
At the bottom of this ocean.
Fish don't feel their weight
Or stare into mirrors.
They dance in the water,
Unaware of the space that they inhabit.
They just exist
In happy surrender,
Surrender to the life
That they were given.
I long to be the depth of the ocean.
I long to just be..
Like the fish
With no judgment,
No pain,
No fear.
Just peaceful.
Just quiet.
Just calm.
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